This photo is from last year, but it does capture a bit of what last night’s ride was like. Though we came back in near full dark. I have flashers and a reflective safety vest to wear, so were were okay for the short bit we had to ride on the road. It was a fabulous evening! Lily moved out and rated back down with ease. We mostly trotted with a bit of rocking chair canter thrown in. The air was crisp and became chilling on the last stretch. I was grinning throughout the day at work today just thinking about it. Horse therapy is the best!

So that is one think I am thankful for. More importantly, I’ve been thinking a lot about lately the wonderful children I share my life with. I feel so very fortunate to be their parent. And I look forward to when they both return from their adventures out in the wide world.

Gurunam is in South America for her study abroad. Here is a recent blog post with photos from her visit to Iguazu Falls. Look it up. It seems like a fantastic place! Apparently, when Eleanor Roosevelt visited, she said, “Poor Niagara!”

Photo courtesy of Gurumustuk Singh Khalsa

My trip to India this fall was another experience for me to grateful for. There is much to say about that. I am still considering what I would like to write about it. On a pracitcal level, it was very nice to get to know the staff and see the school grounds. I found that India had not changed all that much since my visits back in the ’80′s. Yes, people have cell phones and there are a few more cars, but much still remians the same.

I love this time of year when the light turns to gold and the temperatures start to drop. And even the darkness that falls early. It is a time of reflection.

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

Take a few minutes today to create your own Thankful Thursday.

How:

Visit these other blogs that often participate in Thankful Thursday:

Today’s Thankful Thursday is a book review.

I took this sweet little book into the backyard on this balmy Thursday evening, stretched out in my favorite chair and read it straight through. I know that I could have bought the Kindle version and read it on my laptop, but I like a the physicality of a book. There is something so very satisfying to me in turning pages and feeling the paper stock chosen by the printer. It is more personal than reading words made of pixels and light.

This quick little read is chock full of excellent and sometimes surprising ideas. They are presented in a story about a business and one entrepreneur’s journey, but are really about so much else. There was much about the author that I could relate to, the enjoyment in solitude and learning new things, the self sufficiency. I have worked as an employee in various businesses by now. I’ve seen it from that side well enough. I’ve tried a couple on my own, but rather feebly. I may be time for me to see it from the other side soon, and in a more inventive way that I have tried in the past.

I am passing it on to both my children. I will be sure that they read it and we will spend time discussing it as well. And I will be checking out more of the books put out by The Domino Project.

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

Take a few minutes today to create your own Thankful Thursday.

How:

Visit these other blogs that often participate in Thankful Thursday:

This morning the sunlight hit my dining room curtains in a way that made them glow. My photos didn’t really capture it unfortunately. The way that our house is situated doesn’t allow a lot of direct sunlight. While this does keep it quite cool in the summer, it also means that sights like this are rare. I enjoyed the few moments before the sun moved farther up into the sky and rays no longer came inside.

What is less rare is this wonderful yogurt that my husband makes. I know how to make it, but he’s usually the one taking the action to actually do it. I love it when it comes out solid like this, with a bit of whey around the edges, like custard. It’s very tasty and makes a great breakfast with some ground flax and maple syrup. We also had some with our subzee and roti last night. Yumm!!

I am glad that what started as a weekly post a few years ago has become a much more regular practice for me. When I started my Thankful Thursday posts, I was going through a bit of depression. It was really helpful for me to gain perspective and see how much wonder there really was in my life. I suppose part of it could have been me coming close to middle age. I’ll be turning 50 in just over 3 years. Maybe it was my children growing up and finding their own way in the world. Either way, my posts helped me. And I’m grateful that they are less needed, just welcomed. Enjoy finding gratitude always, not just on Thursdays!

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

Take a few minutes today to create your own Thankful Thursday.

How:

Visit these other blogs that often participate in Thankful Thursday:

We have been working on our house for the last few weeks. Part of that included pulling everything from the built in bookshelves in the living room. In the course of pulling them down and stacking them, I found all sorts of treasures.

Some of my favorite childhood books went off to a book conservator for repair. I want to be able to read them to children in the future, just like they were read to me. Most are by Maud & Mishka Petersham, but there are also my early editions of Alice and Through the Looking Glass with the original illustrations. I am so glad that I have carried these around through the years.

My husband picked out a small book that I must have bought at a used bookstore somewhere. It has interesting construction with each page folder over on itself like an accordion. It was published in 1926 in Boston. The illustrations are reminiscent of the Craftsman period with art deco sort of curves and flourishes. The title is The House by the Side of The Road by Sam Walter Foss. What follows is the text from the first, middle and last pages.

“There are hermit souls
that live withdrawn
In the peace of their
self-content.
There are souls like stars,
that dwell apart
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that
blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;
But let me live by the
side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by
the side of the road
By the side of the
highway of life,
The men who press with the
ardor of hope
The men who are faint with strife
But I turn not away from
their smiles nor their tears
Both, parts of an infinite plan,
Let me live in my house
by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in my house
by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by
They are good, they are bad,
They are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish — so am I
Then why should I sit in
the scorner’s seat
Or hurl the cynic’s ban?
Let me live in my house
by the side of the road,
And be a friend to man.

I have a feeling that this year will end quite differently than it has begun.

I am grateful for the persistence of friends & family to keep pushing me to achieve my dreams. Part of that is my sharing my dreams with them. I’ve been keeping some ideas to myself more of late. When the idea has been more fully formed, it is worth sharing. That process helps me to be more clear about exactly what those dreams are. And even though I am looking to the future, I am grateful that I can be satisfied in the moment as well.

The images here are from a walk in the large, empty parking lot at work. I like to do this on breaks. It clears my mind and I always see something interesting. I was struck yesterday, in the overcast light, with the ability of these plants to keep growing wherever they could find purchase. I can appreciate that. Much as the owner would like his empty lot to be ‘weed’ free, the plants are tenacious enough to take hold and persevere. I found a lesson in that yesterday.

My favorite image from the group

How:

Etheric sunset clouds taken while riding Lily last week

My life is really quite perfect. I have nothing to complain about.

Why is it that we are so quick to see any small difficulty in our lives? And why is it so much easier and socially acceptable to share gripes and complaints than successes and joy? Are we afraid to make those around us feel bad by comparison? Will it feel like bragging?

All I have is this moment. I can think about the past and the future, but they are not what I have right now.

If I’m not okay with the now, what have I got?

How:

Ah, Blueberries!

I found this post today, that I started nearly a year ago. The text in green is all that I had written, next to the photo of my harvest. Yesterday, I was doing the very same thing. Gardens make us see that life comes full circle with the flow of the seasons.

I don’t like the heat. I tend to stay inside if I can. This afternoon, I found myself out in the sun harvesting blueberries instead. There is nothing quite like fresh berries eaten off the bush. This year’s early crop is on the tart side, but the berries are large and plump. We have two bushes fruiting now, one is the largest and oldest. It was here when we moved in, maybe twelve years ago. We were so impressed with it’s lovely, red, fall foliage that more bushes were added the following year. We have added four more blueberry bushes this spring with more to be planted. At the end of this season, we will have one whole end of backyard edged in them.

The other bush that is bearing early, is the smallest and new this year. Our yard has quite a few different varieties, so we have a long season to pick berries from small, sweet ones to larger, juicy ones. I like them all!

Lately, I’ve been more and more grateful for simple things, like picking blueberries in the yard; leaning on Lily’s back, closing my eyes and just breathing with her; sharing moments with my family and friends; and smelling my freshly opened oil paints.

I’ve been absent from my blog lately, as changes are afoot in my life. It is a year for shifts and mine seems to be moving right ahead. There may be a change coming in my web space, as I move to being less involved with my horses and more with my artwork. Stay tuned – I’ll let you all know what’s up, when I have it more figured out.

Take a few minutes today to create your own Thankful Thursday.

How:

The more I watch Ted Talks, the more I like it. This particular talk is rather fascinating, including the idea that our social choices are tied to our genes. I can understand that eye color, height, hair texture and other physical attributes are genetic, but how we are in social networks? Really? It expands my idea of genetics … and the importance of social ties.

And I mean true heartfelt positivity, not just acting it.

I love this blog post.

You horse (or dog or child or husband, friend, co-worker, etc.) can tell on some level whether you are authentic or not. Animals, especially horses, I find, pick up on this much more easily than us humans. They have less layers of societal stuff to get in the way. And they pay far more attention to our real intentions that we sometimes do ourselves. That’s what I find so wonderful about working with them.

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

-Mary Oliver

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

Silkscreen Print © 2009 Simrat Khalsa

I’ve been researching all this week, educating myself about spinal anatomy. This involved looking at MRI images (mine and other’s), reading blogs and websites and googling terms that are in my MRI report. Things like Degenerative Disk Disease, hypertrophic endplate changes, annular tear, bilateral foraminal regions. And I’ll say that I now understand much more about this very important part of my body.

Our disks are made up of the nucleus pulposus, the shock absorbing “jelly-like” center of the disk, contained by the annulas, a fibrous outer layer (much thicker than I imagined). These structures must stay hydrated through movement. Without maintaining this hydration, they slowly become thinner, eventually loosing their shock absorbing, elastic qualities. As they thin, the openings in the spinal column for the nerves becomes narrower. Without the ability to absorb shock, arthritic changes may develop in the spine as well. Tears and bulges in the annulus also occur as elasticity is lost. While drinking adequate water is vital to maintain these “small hydraulic shock absorbers”, movement is vital to get that fluid to where it is needed. Another vital thing that I learned, is that the vertebral disks rehydrate at night during your sleep! Another reason to get a full night’s rest.

Basically, I have a few disks at the base of my spine that are drying up. The lowest one is already degenerated. The one above is bulging and the one above that has a tear in the annulus. It all makes quite a bit of sense to me now. All the years that I have been sitting at a desk at work must have contributed to this, along with my slacking on my sadhana and yoga practice. Well, it’s time for me to get back in gear. Pun intended!

All during my reading, I kept remembering the many hours of lectures and yoga classes I sat though with the Siri Singh Sahib (aka Yogi Bhajan). He talked about how a practicing Kundalini Yoga would create a healthy, flexible spine and how important that was; that it would keep us young. I wish that my twenty something self had listened a little better! I was thinking about it more on the level of raising my consciousness, not merely keeping my body healthy. I suppose that’s one of the follies of youth; thinking that you are indestructible. It’s not too late for me now, twenty years later. I know that I can heal myself. Time will tell if I follow through and do the day to day work. I fully intend to, but I now that follow through is not always my strong suit. It may be challenging for me.

Please join me over this next year to see how I manage. I’ll be starting in on some basic spinal exercises and will post what I’m working on as I go, along with my results. I welcome your support. Feel free to keep my on track! Maybe I’ll actually start to teach. I did get certified as a Kundalini Yoga instructor many years ago. It’s one of the many hidden talents I haven’t really used yet…

How:

The goal of this little free pdf book, is to get five million (that’s 5,000,000) people thinking about what matters now.

A Few of Those Things…
Generosity
Facts
Dignity
Meaning
Ease
Vision
Enrichment
Excellence
Autonomy
Momentum
Consequence
Power
Harmony
Compassion
Knowledge
Empathy
Neoteny
Celebrate
DIY
Adventure
Attention
Context
Change
Passion
Confidence
Open-Source DNA
Fascination
Difference
World-Healers
Sacrifice
Focus
Leap
Timeless
Enough
Sleep
Knowing

So go download your copy today.

I entered one of my blog posts this month. If you have a favorite post from my blog, let me know and I’ll submit it for next month!

October Carnival at The Literary Horse

Image courtesy of Claire Bow, burdyboo @ Flickr

About the Carnival

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

How:

Image courtesy of Claire Bow, burdyboo @ Flickr

I am happy to be host this month to the Carnival of the Horse maintained by Enlightened Horsemanship Through Touch.

Take some time exploring these blogs. Please don’t be shy about commenting. As a blogger, it’s always a pleasure to get comments. Whether someone has enjoyed a post, has a question to ask or just wants to discuss the topic more.

Enjoy!

Lisa Illichmann presents Lisa Illichmann » Big Scary Horse posted at Lisa Illichmann.

ara DeHaven presents The Human Currycomb posted at Cross Creek Horsemanship.

Kim Cox Carneal presents Increasing Awareness and Performance with Tellington TTouch the Body Wrap posted at enlightened horsemanship through touch.

Tony Alexander presents The Soul of Japan: The Equine Museum posted at The Soul of Japan.

Julian Ross presents White Horse Pilgrim: The road goes on and on posted at White Horse Pilgrim.

Michelle presents Whoa Baby!! « From The Horse’s Back posted at From The Horse’s Back.

Fran Jurga presents Re-imaging History: D-Day at the Forge posted at Fran Jurga’s “HoofBlog”: Up-to-the Minute News from Hoofcare & Lameness Journal.

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

I ended up at a few Sat Nam Rasayan classes years ago, as part of a camp I was at. I didn’t seek it out, but did the classes just because they were there. In the last year, I’ve been considering starting the practice again. To the point that I had put it in my calendar at work. I just didn’t go. Well, last month I did. And then it just so happened that Guru Dev Singh was coming to do a SNR workshop and meditation class. I signed up.

Both turned out to be excellent. This is jump starting me back into a regular practice. Yes, for a number of years now, I’ve been just coasting. If the spiritual journey is likened to a trail spiraling up a mountain, I was bivouacked on the side of the path with my feet up on a rock, probably the dark side too. Well, I’m packing my rucksack and on the road again now.

And last week, I won something! Something great too! An intuitive counseling session with Bridget Pilloud. I had also had a session with Guru Dev Singh on Monday night. What Bridget shared with me dovetailed very well with much that I learned from Guru Dev, both in my private session and the workshop and meditation course. If you are looking for direction or clarity, I highly recommend Bridget.

I also recently subscribed to Notes from the Universe at tut.com. Here is one that came last week. Yes, I know that these are written by a person and not “the universe” but it’s fun to see the meshing of messages from all around.

Simrat, I know what it’s like. I’ve seen it played out a few zillion times. You’re waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they’ll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they’ll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Ahhhhhhhhhhh…

Well, I’m here to tell you, Simrat, your wait is over. That someone, is you.
Good thing you rock,
The Universe

I guess when it is time, the message comes from everywhere. Now I have to step up and get on with it. I am grateful that, this go ’round, I get to be on a spiritual path, with the chance to explore all the infinite possibilities of the human consciousness.

How:

When my aunt pointed me to these years ago, they resonated with me. They have been an excellent way to deal with my horses. In adopting them for that purpose, I found myself considering them with my children, my husband, my co-workers and on and on. Pick one, consider it in your life and see where you go…

From The Center for Non-Violent Communication. The italics are mine.

10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to Internal, Interpersonal, and Organizational Peace

(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.

(2) Remember that all human beings (all creatures, actually) have the same needs.

(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.

(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.

(5) Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.

(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we’d like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.

(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

(8) Instead of saying “No,” say what need of ours prevents us from saying “Yes.”

(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or ourselves.

(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication language so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully.
2001, revised 2004 Gary Baran & CNVC. The right to freely duplicate this document is hereby granted.

I’ve been quite remiss lately. Aside from not posting much besides my Thankful Thursday posts, Kim at Enlightened Horsemanship Through Touch graciously passed on the Honest Scrap Award to me over two weeks ago. I had to look at the calendar to see that so much time had passed. It’s not that I haven’t had something to say. I even started a few posts, but either didn’t get back to them or lost them through a technical snafu. Then I got sidetracked researching the origins of the meme, without much luck, I will add. So, without further ado…..

The Honest Scrap award comes with rules that recipients are asked to follow:

• Recognize your award presenter and link back to their blog in your post. Done.
• List 10 honest things about yourself. I’ll do my best. See below…
• Present this award to 10 admirable bloggers who have moved you, and link to their blogs. Not so hard to find ten. Though I don’t get to keep up on blog reading as much as I would like to.
• Notify recipients they have been awarded, so they can retrieve it. Done.

10 Honest Things

1 – I can make a killer apple pie, flaky crust, not too sweet, the sort that is great for breakfast.

2 – I used to have two toned hair, wear skinny ties and wing tipped shoes. I still love British Ska music and listen to Madness on occasion.

3 – Now I am vegetarian, don’t smoke, drink, or use any drugs unless prescribed by a doctor.

4 – My marriage was arranged, by my choice. We have been together for twenty-three years and counting, with two great kids.

5 – My hair is going grey. Though I am often pleasantly surprised when people don’t believe that I have a child who is turning 20 this fall. I can see the calculations going on in their head, thinking that I must have had her when I was a teen. No, I was 27, quite a respectable age for having a first child. Wearing a turban gives one a natural face lift. And removing the visual of hair makes it harder to figure out someone’s age.

6 – I want to live to 100 years old or more, with my mental faculties in place and able to get around, hopefully on horseback.

7 – My great grandfather was captured by Pancho Villa and held for ransom during the Mexican-American War. Thankfully someone wrote the story down while he was still alive. I just can’t put my fingers on it. As I remember, they played cards, while waiting for his men to come with the gold and/or silver. Yes, they came in time and he was able to join his wife in El Paso, TX with my just born grandmother and her two year old sister. That great aunt later raised me for ten years.

8 – Places that I’ve visited/lived – US: Texas, Florida, California, New Mexico, Montana, Wyoming, Oregon, Washington, Illinois, Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Connecticut, Maine, New York, Massachusetts. India: Delhi, Mussoori, Dehra Dun, Poanta Sahib, Agra, but never Punjab. I was only there when it was closed to foreigners due to the attack on the Golden Temple in 1984.

9 – I’ve never been to Europe though, save for airports on my way to India.

10 – I learn most things easily, like art techniques. I’ve done silver jewelry making, silkscren printing, book binding, letterpress printing, life drawing, oil painting, photography (including darkroom work), sculpture, ceramics. I also spent a year in commercial art school before computers. We had to mock up type by hand, cut stencils, etc. It was great design training.

So, that’s that! Now on to ten blogs that inspire me. Many have already been mentioned by others. I’ll pick out a few more. And I don’t care if any of them do their own Honest Scrap post or not. So, I hit 11 … sue me.

We Three, Ginger Cat Tales
Indian Scout – Australia’s First Spanish Mustang
self taught artist
Ishtar News
Tired Dog Ranch
amanda blake art
Random Calligraphy
Viola!
Java’s Barn
scripturient
The Economy Isn’t Happening

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Honest Scrap was first posted on August 6, 2009 at 10:50 pm.
©2011, Simrat Khalsa.

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What is my ultimate goal in this life? It’s the age old question of why we are here. I’ve been thinking about that lately. I mean, really, what is the point of what we do every day? Yes, there are the day to day things, going to work, making a living, cooking dinner, feeding the dog, opening the mail, paying bills and on and on…

Is it looking up at the sky, like I did this evening and seeing the most wondrous blending of rose and turquiose in slim tendrils as the sun glanced off the low cloud cover? Is it sitting close on the couch with my son and talking about the day? Or breathing in the heady smells of spring? For me it is these things, but even more so, it is working to elevate my consciousness to notice and appreciate them.

Today, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to learn from my teacher; to be given the technology of kundalini yoga, meditation, the gift of the Shabd Guru. My name means, “One who meditates with every breath.” There are times when I forget that. Remembering and doing that brings me back to myself. I am thankful that I have that to guide me, to keep me on track.

Seven Steps to Happiness
from Yogi Bhajan’s, “The Game of Love”

1. COMMITMENT to kindness and compassion gives you Character.

2. CHARACTER is a pattern of behavior where you can clearly answer to, and stand before, your own consciousness. It leads to Dignity.

3. DIGNITY is when you act as a god for another – then you gain Divinity.

4. DIVINITY is when you put yourself and your life on the line to serve another person or creature, which leads you to Grace.

5. GRACE is when you’ve developed a presence that works so that you have the Power to Sacrifice.

6. SACRIFICE is when God sits in your heart and presides in your head so that you are able to sacrifice – and that takes you to Happiness.

7. HAPPINESS is when you can give thanks for being these seven things.

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Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

Take a few minutes today to create your own Thankful Thursday.

How:

Sit back and consider what you have to be thankful for. Listing three to five things is nice, but one will do.

Post about gratitude on your blog. If you don’t have your own blog, go ahead and write about what you are thankful for in the comments here instead.

If you blog, please link back here or leave a comment.

Feel free to tag other bloggers, if you like to do that, but it’s not necessary. This is not a meme that obligates you to do anything, but look for gratitude. Oh, and link back, and comment, that’s all I ask.

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Visit these other blogs that often participate in Thankful Thursday:

The Pony Expression

Tired Dog Ranch

Enlightened Horsemanship Through Touch

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The Point was first posted on April 23, 2009 at 12:01 am.
©2011, Simrat Khalsa.

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]]> http://www.akalranch.com/2009/04/the-point/feed/ 5 http://www.akalranch.com/2009/02/getting-over-it/ http://www.akalranch.com/2009/02/getting-over-it/#comments Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:49:52 +0000 Simrat http://www.akalranch.com/?p=588 [...]]]>

They met in the garden by Simrat Khalsa, copyright 1999, Oil on canvas with paper, 32" x 29 1/2"

Gratitude creates it’s own attitude. It can give you a new perspective, a new focus. I am going to use this day as my opportunity to see those things.

Take a few minutes today to create your own Thankful Thursday.

How:

Sit back and consider what you have to be thankful for. Listing three to five things is nice, but one will do.

Post about gratitude on your blog.

Then link back here or leave a comment.

Feel free to tag other bloggers, if you like to do that, but it’s not necessary. This is not a meme that obligates you to do anything, but look for gratitude. Oh, and link back, and comment, that’s all I ask.

If you don’t have your own blog, go ahead and write about what you are thankful for in the comments of my latest Thankful Thursday. post instead.

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Today, I am taking a little departure from my usual format. I am going to tell you all a story. What I am thankful for is what I have learned from it.

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“When are you going to get over it?”

“Just get over it already!”

“Dear, you just have to get over it … and move on.”

Ever hear any of these? I think that we all have at one time or another. Maybe it was regarding a lost love or a lost life. Either way, it’s something that I’ve thought about a lot. You see, I would consider myself to be a bit of an expert on grief. I’ve lived with it intimately for nearly my entire life, as I got hit hard and early. I was talking about this with my friend, Megan, a few weeks ago and decided that I wanted to write about it.

We lived on a farm in Maine when I was born. My sister and brother had both been born in New York City. By the time I came along, my parents had bought the rambling, white farmhouse with attached barn. I hear that it was on a whim. In any case, life was pretty fun for me most of the time. What I can remember at least. There were a couple of horses, a pony named Sooty, a couple of pet billy goats, chickens, a Golden Retriever named Jeb, puppies, kittens and more. In the winter, we ice skated on the creek and went sledding. In the summer, my Mother gave riding lessons to a friend and me, and we swam in the pool of the house across the road. I played in the hay loft, while my father planted pole beans and pop corn.

All that changed when I was about five and a half. The only real memory I have is of my father coming home and standing us all up in a row outside. Then he said, “Your mother is dead.” At least that’s what I think happened… I’ve found that my memory is pretty spotty on a lot of things. I think that the psyche is very good at self protection and blocks out experiences that we are unprepared to deal with. All I know is that I had never felt so alone and haven’t since. Like I was the only person on the entire planet.

So, after a while, with Dad drinking more, I ended up being moved to my great aunt’s house in upstate New York. I took one toy with me, a little cowgirl doll with jointed legs, a fringed skirt, matching vest and blond curls. She had the sort of eyes that close when you lay her down. And they were a beautiful hazel with long eyelashes. I guess everyone thought that I would be going back. I do remember talking on the phone with my father. He had sold the farm and moved into town. Said that my new room was all fixed up and waiting for me. Then one day the phone rang and he was dead too. That time I remember sitting down on my great aunt’s modern, Skandanavian style couch and crying. I was seven by then.

I ended up staying with my great aunt. My older brother and sister went to live with other relatives. I didn’t see them too much after that. My great aunt was in her sixties, had no children and had never been married. I was doted on. I was now an only child and an orphan, though that word was never used. We made a cozy family for a while. We went to the city every fall. It was great fun to get dressed up, go shopping at Macy’s and Bloomindales, have lunch at the Russian Tea Room, visit all the Museums and, best of all, go to the National Horse Show at Madison Square Garden. I loved watching the show jumping. It was entirely thrilling! And second best was visiting Kaufmann’s and Miller’s to draw in the intoxicating leather smell, sit on the saddles and dream.

Even though we lived on seven acres in the Catskills and had a great old two story barn with stalls in back, behind the carriage room, I wasn’t allowed to have a horse of my own. I did get weekly lessons. Even when my great aunt had to hire the local handy man to drive me there on icy winter days, I still had my lessons. That was a real gift. It made me learn to ride. And I thank her for that.

I also took ballet for years and have the toes to prove it. I was coerced into tennis lessons. In essence, I was being raised to be a well rounded young lady, hopefully to marry well I guess, in an outdated sort of way. Things went along okay, until I hit puberty.

It was not pretty. I would not have wished myself on anyone at that point. And in the midst of all my angst and fury, my great aunt died … suddenly, of a stroke. I was with her, as she slipped into a childlike state, then all of a sudden the ambulance was there and I was left standing in the middle of the room, holding the leash of my dog, Moses, alone again.

I was sixteen. After that, I lived with my grandmother for a couple of summers, while I went to college. I never finished High School. My dog and two cats were not welcome at my grandmothers and were older, so there were put to sleep. I have to say, that was a very sad day for me.

I was lucky enough to end up at Simon’s Rock Early College after tenth grade. I had applied and been accepted before my great aunt died. It was a good place for me then. I had just enough freedom, but was still a bit shielded from the greater world. It would have been pretty easy for me to self destruct at that point.

I have had a lot of lessons in not being attached. Then, as an adult, it was hard to let my self care for much of anything or anyone for a long time. Do you “get over” this sort of thing? I don’t think so.

I don’t think that you ever just get over deep loss. Instead, it needs to be honored and, eventually, incorporated into who you are, into your very being. Otherwise, you can be like the living dead; walking, breathing, talking, working; but not really alive. This has to come in it’s own time. There is no way to force it. It must be allowed to happen. That’s what integration is about. Anything else is somewhat less than true. And there is not an end to the process. It continues.

At forty-five, I have finally outlived both my parents. And I’m still here. There have been times in my life where I was thankful for having been released from the bonds that living parents create. And other times that I ached to have someone that cared about me like that. But, in the end, really, all my experiences are part of who I am now. I wouldn’t give up any of it.

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Getting Over It was first posted on February 18, 2009 at 11:49 pm.
©2011, Simrat Khalsa.

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